i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
