my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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