I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
