Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
