she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
