My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
