I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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