i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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