2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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