I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i think i have two assholes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
