so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
