You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's always time for handjobs
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
