I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
