a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
