if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
