Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
