i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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