dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
