What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
