thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
