never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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