I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
