I need to stop coming to work sober
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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