shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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