You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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