Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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