Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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