i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
