I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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