But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
