the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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