Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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