You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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