I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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