just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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