my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
