I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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