It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
