my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
