My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
