Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
