I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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