She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
