Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
