I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
