nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We are two peas in an std pod
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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