Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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