Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
