Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
