dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
