Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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