So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
